Sunday, 18 September 2011

Baking with kids...

Is it wrong that my desire for perfect baking sometimes outweighs my desire to not leave permanent emotional scars on my children...?
I love baking with my kids... well, in my ‘Mother-of-the-Year’ fantasy I do.  There, safe in my fantasy world, I’m happily whipping, beating, creaming and folding (I’m wearing a gorgeous frilly pinny, and I’m a real hotty... about a size 8, but still with boobs and hips... you know, only a smidgen from reality...). 
In this dream-land my kids are expert bakers: understanding the necessity of measuring ingredients and not dumping an entire bag of flour into the creamed butter and sugar; never sneezing into the cake mix; they wouldn’t dream of grabbing the butter and biting out a large chunk; it simply would not occur to them to shove a mouthful of the mixed dry ingredients into their mouth - and on finding it ‘not to their liking‘ spitting it back into the mixture (although, who does like to eat flour and baking powder?)  
Nope, my fantasies are NOT reality, not even close. 

In reality, I tend to get a wee bit stressed, I seem to be constantly saying “don’t put the spoon theret!”, “don’t tip the whole bag in!”, “please don’t pick your nose while we’re baking”.  I end up feeling like the kids are trying to sabotage MY baking efforts.  My baking, which must be moist and light, pretty and tasty!  It must not contain boogies, spit particles, egg shells or excessive amounts of baking powder (*note: one cup of baking powder is ALWAYS excessive).  

Perhaps I'm just expecting too much... I think we'll just stick to baking with play doh.

Thursday, 1 September 2011

Poos, poos, everywhere...

Ohhhh I’m sooo sick of poos!!!  When will it end?  And now I have to think about whether the horrible word has an apostrophe or not!?!  And right now I’m so over poo that I don’t even care. 

Before I was a mother, I heard horror stories of the odd child (odd as in rare, not like, weird or anything) who had ‘painted’ with their own poo’s (if it belongs to them, it does have an apostrophe... right?).  How repulsive!  My child would NEVER do that!  Clearly it was all in the parenting, and I was going to be a great parent, therefore that problem would not be one that I’d be having.  And I think that was the moment that my fate was sealed.  See, I’ve pretty much figured out that whatever you think will never happen to you... will definitely happen.  Especially if that thing involves you thinking that you’re better than someone else.  If only I could go back in time and tape my foolish, opinionated (young) mouth shut.     
My second-born child has been obsessed with playing with his poo since he was old enough to take off his own nappy.  I have cleaned poo from walls, clothes, toys, carpet, beds, baths and tonight... the shower.  Even Iggle Piggle wasn’t safe.  One Christmas Eve while I was busy baking, Iggle Piggle got dealt to.  Poor fella.  Most toys I throw away when they’ve become poo scoopers or diggers or objects to squish poos with.  But Iggle Piggle was really expensive!  So he got the daylights scrubbed and disinfected out of him.  And then he sat the airing cupboard while he recovered from his ordeal.  And while I got brave enough to handle him again.
I’ve become very good at noticing ‘silence’ these days... and usually I can jump in fast enough to halt the poo artwork before it begins.  And toilet training is going really well, so I pretty much thought we were coming out of the poo phase.  I got smug.  I thought I had it sorted.  So tonight, Mr Three was in the shower when I hear the call I dread “I got poooooooooooooo’s Muuuuuummy!”  And the smell hit me.  Poo and steam.  NOT good.  Not even manageable.  Just bad.  All kinds of bad.  
I am no longer smug.  I will not get smug again.  

Tuesday, 30 August 2011

I'm NOT ready for this!!!

I always thought I would have no problem when it came to discussing the facts of life with my kids.  My mum was incredibly open... probably sharing a weeny bit more than I really cared to know... actually a whole truck load more than I could ever have wanted or needed to know!

But this morning as my six and a half year old was eating his cornflakes, he casually asked, "So... how DO babies actually get out of the mums tummy?"  I froze.  My insides tensed, convulsed, quivered and contracted - yep, even a little bit of vomit came up into my throat (see that sharing-too-much thing is hereditary sometimes...).

On the outside I was cool as a cucumber - staring straight ahead, out the window, completely intrigued by what I saw... grass.  So I went for a swift change of subject: "Man, that grass is GREEEEEN today?  Isn't it?  Look at that grass, would you?  Good stuff grass.  You should really look at the grass more mate.  Anyway, how are your cornflakes going?  Eating them up?  Yep?  Good boy.  Gosh is that the time, I better go and... do something... in my room... I'll be awhile... you, ah, just finish up your cornies.  Good boy."

I hastily retreated to my room.  He's six.  The worst thing about six year old boys is their short attention span.  For the first time in my life, I was soooo grateful for that lacking attention span.  Crisis averted, all was good in the world, he would forget this conversation and we could wait to have it at a more appropriate time.  Like, when he's... married.  His wife can tell him.

I walked back into the kitchen where Mr Six was putting his plate in the sink (very well trained - I take FULL credit).  "Good boy!  Now quickly go and get your school bag and let's get organized for school."  Then it happened.  He eyeballed me in a way that he never has before and my toes went cold with fear... I knew it was coming.  "But Mum, you still didn't tell me how the baby gets out of the mums tummy - and I need to know."  AAARRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!  I'm not ready for this!!!!!!  (I thought this, I didn't scream it at him - although I felt like it.)

I did manage to look grumpy and impatient enough to put him off though (I know, I'm a meanie - my three year old tells me that daily).

I rang the hubby.  "He wants to know HOW the babies get out." I said. "Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!" Said hubby.  NOT the right response.

A discussion ensued where we agreed that it's better he hears it from people he loves and who can tell him the real facts, before he hears it from someone at school blah, blah, blah.   So we figure my mum is the best person... just kidding.  Kind of.

I dropped him off at school and then immediately went and bought a book.  It frightens me.  It has a picture (a vague pencil sketch in pastel colors) of a baby emerging from between a ladies legs - you can't see the ACTUAL, well, you know... 'it'.  But you can tell it's coming out from between her legs.  It talks all about love and all that stuff, but I just can't get past the picture.  My child will KNOW.  As much as we tell him not too, he's bound to tell other kids (I remember going to school armed with similar information - I had kids coming from other schools to glean from my seemingly infinite 'sexing' wisdom).  So I'm responsible for someone else's child too!!  It's endless!!!

Ohhhh, I feel sick.  I need cake.

Soooo, I did it...

And here I am... blogging.  I've thought about this a lot, but never actually got around to doing it!  

I don't actually have anything particularly interesting to say right now - I'm actually sitting in the dark hallway with my laptop on my lap (ahhhh that's where the name came from!  How about the 'top' part then...? )  waiting for my 3 year old to go to sleep.  If I move, he'll get out of bed.   But I'm starving.  And busting to pee.  And my wine is juuuuust out of arms reach.  So yeah, great to time to start my blog!

I can hear the sound of something yummy being unwrapped in the lounge by either my hubby or 6 year old... how cruel!  Don't they know I'm starving?!  Not in the literal sense of the word, I could go for months without food with not even the slightest whisper of actual starvation.. but in the sense of "I've got smoked salmon, capers, pasta and mascarpone waiting for me" (hence the 'no risk of starving').

Okay, the breathing sounds deep and there's been no movement for a good 4 minutes... I think he's sleeping... yay!!  Now it's decision time - pee, food, wine - I'm pretty sure that's the best order... actually - wine, pee, food, wine.  Perfect.